PORTLAND, OR – The increasing rate of incarceration in the U.S. has had an unexpected influence on the way Americans hold on to their important personal items. When Josh Santiago wished to pay for his morning cup of coffee on Monday he did not reach into the back pocket of his worn blue jeans...
TERRELL, TX – Noted businessman and former presidential candidate Ross Perot was attacked by a man armed with baked goods Wednesday morning while shopping in a Dallas suburban outlet store. As billionaire Ross Perot rifled through a bin of pastel cardigans he did not take time to notice the approaching 39 year old Donald...
LOS ANGELES, CA – Actor and musician Jared Leto was admitted to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center on Sunday after sustaining minor injuries to his mouth and face. Leto, was hospitalized following an incident with an electric tooth brush he was using. A spokesperson for the celebrity told reporters, “Mr. Leto was brushing his teeth in...
KANSAS CITY, MO – In an unusual announcement on Monday the National Football League’s Kansas City Chiefs claimed that they could hear their mothers calling them to come home for dinner which would mean that they would be unable to play out the remainder of the football season. Since the Chiefs would be unable...
SAN DIEGO, CA – At a unique medical panel on Friday doctors excitedly took turns listening to Mark Corcoran’s obese stomach in between giggles and high fives. The reason for their excitement was that they could audibly hear the San Diego man getting fatter. “If we can isolate the biomechanical cause of this guy’s...
NEW YORK, NY – Filming on the set of the popular children’s series Sesame Street was halted on Monday following a physical altercation between popular characters Burt and Ernie. Mounting frustrations finally boiled over for Sesame Street’s infamous odd couple during the performance of one of their most famous standards. “One moment Ernie’s doing...
IBIZA, SPAIN – Standing in front of an unusually diverse crowd on Thursday, Dr. Theodore Salvador announced to the world that a team of European scientists linked the recent rise in global temperatures to the increasing prevalence of electronic music. Identified by pre-tracked drum beats and looped vocals, electronic music has grown to become...
REDDING, CA – Local and state police were called in to break up a massive brawl involving both students and faculty members at Shasta High School on Friday. The school’s administrators required police intervention when a fight that had broken out over the correct usage and definition of the dash, hyphen and minus sign...
SACRAMENTO CA – In a move anticipating the passage of an upcoming ballot measure to allow for the legalization of marijuana growth, use and possession in California, Governor Schwarzenegger tapped former businessman, Kerry Killinger to become the state’s new legal drug czar on Tuesday. As the state’s legal drug czar, Killinger will head the...
RIVERSIDE, CA – Local resident is discovered to have never made a statement without first prefacing it. While at his job as hiring manager of a local retail chain on Tuesday, authorities discovered that 42 year old Albert Munoz has never made a statement in his life without first saying, ‘What I’m thinking is,’...
