FTW LOL

Protesters clashed and violence erupted as Alice Shoemaker exited the Lawrence Health Planned Parenthood center on Tuesday morning. Shoemaker, who was shielded from the media and anti-abortion protestors by her boyfriend Sergio Lima, declined to comment on her upcoming procedure leaving the residents of this Midwestern town to continue to furiously debate her decision to abort her adult son.

The procedure, which medical experts say is risky at best, is intended to separate Shoemaker from her adult son, James Shoemaker. According to unidentified sources, Shoemaker first wished to separate from her son when she met Lima in the summer of 2008.

“Everything was fine between her and that boy before that Sergio fellow showed up and she decided that she didn’t want him (James Shoemaker) sitting in her basement while they engaged in nasty old-people sex” said one neighbor who wished to remain anonymous.

“While it may be true that Ms. Shoemaker’s relationship with Mr. Lima may have played a part in her decision to proceed with the procedure, it is in no way the only reason for her decision. This was a decision that Ms. Shoemaker did not come to easily and it is one that she took a great deal of time to consider” a representative for the Planned Parenthood organization told us. “We only ask that the public and that the members of the media respect Ms. Shoemaker’s decision as well as her privacy.”

For his part, James Shoemaker has also remained silent about the upcoming procedure. As a self-titled unemployed entrepreneur, Shoemaker has lived in his mother’s basement since he graduated from high school in 1991. He has been quoted by area residents as saying that he would be ready to move out of his mother’s basement when nation’s economy started to recover.

The procedure, which is outlawed in several states, has generated a tremendous about of controversy across the nation. “The devils at the Planned Parenthood should not be allowed to play God with this poor boy’s life” one angry protestor told us. “He is a member of the community and we will not allow him to ripped from the womb with no chance to survive on his own.”

Summing up the supporters of Shoemaker, Bill Jackson of Wichita said, “This woman’s right to choose to separate from her worthless son is what made this county great in the first place. If Washington and Jefferson and all those fellows had never moved out of their mama’s homes we may have never inherited the great nation we now live in.”

Turbo and Ozone dropping science on you squares

The article, which appears in this month’s issue of Science, Vol 328, Issue 5986, describes a discovery made by scientists working at the Temasek Life Sciences Laboratory in Singapore while observing the behavioral patterns of inch worms.
While seeking to determine whether or not the tiny creatures like to party, the team of researchers headed by Dr. Yuehui Cai, witnessed the worms frequently performing the popular breakdancing move the worm.

It seems as if the worms love to do the worm. While we are not all together certain if they are doing it as a form of courtship or to stake territorial claims, we have noted that they seem to do the worm constantly, said Cai, who was quoted in the article.

While the article does not expand on the potential significance of the discovery, it does point out that while it was once thought impossible, one can breakdance without the aid of parachute pants.

Paul Newman, Larry Flynt and Van McCoy in case you were wondering

When Glen Albright told his players to ‘hustle’ during a pre-game warm-up he probably had little idea that one of his players would take is instructions so literally.

Immediately following the game, eight year old Ricky Washington scored several vials of crack which he proceeded to sell in his neighborhood for a considerable mark up in price. The child shared his actions with the coach the next day during the team’s afternoon practice.

Albright, who claims to have been shocked by child’s actions, failed to notify local authorities about the drug deal. The coach was also once again overheard telling his players to hustle on several occasions as the afternoon’s practice progressed.
Following the practice, Jackson once again bought and sold a large quantity of drugs. In addition, the child also met with, and physically assaulted multiple prostitutes he is alleged to have business agreements with. Once again Jackson shared his actions with Albright the next day.

The pattern continued for several weeks until the F.B.I arrested Washington for his connection to a money laundering ring. Following his apprehension, the child told federal investigators that he had to get his and that he was just hustling like his coach had told him to.

When Josh Santiago wished to pay for his morning cup of coffee on Monday he did not reach into the back pocket of his worn blue jeans to grab his wallet. Instead, he dug it out of a much more concealed spot very near to his pant’s back pocket.

“I like keeping my stuff in there because it’s safer. No pick-pocket’s going to get into there without me knowing” Santiago explained as he removed two one dollar bills from a brown leather billfold. “I got my car keys in there too, and sometimes I’ll even stuff my cell phone up there.”

Santiago represents the growing number of Americans who like to keep their most important personal items in their ass.
The trend, which began in the nation’s prisons as a way to conceal contraband, has recently grown to include people who have never spent time behind bars.

“I’ve never been in jail but it’s a great place to keep my keys while I work out” Shannon Underwood told us while stretching before her morning jog at Duniway City Park. “The great thing is not only are they safe but they don’t jingle since they’re in there nice and snug.”

However, it is this snugness that may be the biggest drawback to this method of carrying your accessories.

“We’ve seen a dramatic increase in the number of cases where we need to dislodge something from people’s asses. The hospital used to dig three or four items out of people in an average week now that number has increased to three or four people a day” Dr. Kathy Ruiz of Shiner’s Hospital said.

“It is a great place to keep a few important things, I usually keep a pen up there when I’m at work, people just have to remember that it’s a limited–load space” Ruiz continued. “Remember, if you put something too far up there you’re probably going to need assistance getting it out since it won’t just crawl out of there on its own like a gerbil.”

Despite the potential drawback of having emergency room staff fish around in your butthole with a coat hanger, the trend doesn’t seem to be losing any popularity.

“I can’t think of a better place for my reading glasses” one elderly man said as he waited for a bus on Hooker Street. “It’s padded and it’s always right there behind me. Sure it can sometimes be a pain cleaning the lenses and the smell isn’t terrific, but that’s really a small price to pay for never losing track of something so important.”

lazy joke about 'you people'

As billionaire Ross Perot rifled through a bin of pastel cardigans he did not take time to notice the approaching 39 year old Donald Hunt. “I just wanted to find one dadgum sweater that wasn’t pink or green or yellow or some other girly color” a reportedly exacerbated Perot later told investigators. “And then when he hit me with them sweets I didn’t know what happened.”

The sweets Perot referred to was the bag of snickerdoodle cookies Hunt had purchased at a local 7-11 convenience store just minutes before the attack. “I saw that crazy honky run up and hit that old cracker right up side his head just as I was coming in the store” Yolanda Smith told reporters. “I rushed over to help that old man but then all these security men were running in to save him so I just watched what happened. I didn’t know that old man was some rich dude. What the hell he doing in the Old Navy anyway then?”

For his part, the 80 year-old Perot refused to answer specific questions regarding his reason for choosing to shop in the well-known discount store, stating only that he found the commercials for the retailer to be, “kind of stupid.”

“While we are also interested in figuring out why an old billionaire would shop for clothes that will lose buttons and rip easily, we also need to investigate several other aspects of this case” Officer Paul Ramirez of the Dallas County Sheriff’s office told reporters. “So that being said, it is important to note that we have apprehended the suspected attacker and we have found the weapon we believe he used to carry out the attack.”

The weapon Ramirez mentioned, a bag of snickerdoodle cookies, was described by several witnesses as being, ‘okay, not great, but better than you might think.’ It is still unclear why Hunt did not choose a more popular cookie type such as chocolate chip or peanut butter but police are currently said to be investigating this peculiarity.

Leto, was hospitalized following an incident with an electric tooth brush he was using. A spokesperson for the celebrity told reporters, “Mr. Leto was brushing his teeth in preparation for some Saturday night partying when he lost control of the tooth brush while it was running. We do not currently believe his injuries are serious and he was checked into the hospital merely as a precaution.”

When asked if the 39 year old Leto had been intoxicated during the event the spokesperson declined to comment stating only, “We expect a quick recovery for Jared so he can get back out there doing what he does best, entertaining his fans.”

This is not Leto’s first run in with a grooming device. In 2007 the actor/singer was admitted to an Atlanta hospital after he sustained serious injuries following his use of an electric hair clipper. At the time Leto was on a national tour as the lead singer of the popular rock band, 30 Seconds to Mars.

Since the Chiefs would be unable to play the rest of their schedule it would be impossible to for them to lose to opponents ensuring that continue to reign as the champions of the NFL’s AFC West division.

“We would have liked to keep playing but my mom told me that I had to get home before September 20th and I don’t want to get in trouble. You know it’s already way past September 20th so I gotta go.” Chiefs head coach Todd Haley told ESPN during a telephone interview on Monday after the announcement.

“This is total bull. I didn’t hear their moms calling them. I know they can stay out all season. I’ve seen them all do it before,” announced and irate John Fox following the Chiefs statement. As the head coach of the one of the Chiefs’ division rivals, the Denver Broncos, Fox claimed that he had seen this once before during his career. When I was coaching the Panthers I remember the Buccaneers tried this in 2003 but (NFL commissioner) Paul Tagliabue called their moms and asked if they (the Buccaneers) really needed to be home. Turns out that they were lying just like the Chiefs are now.”

The policies of the NFL are unclear in this particular instance. While it is a time-honored tradition for baseball, football and basketball games to be called due to darkness or because specific players have been called to come home by their mothers, it is unusual for an entire team to get called home at the same time.

“If the Chiefs had told me that they stood to lose several of their key players because of something like this I would not have been concerned. But when an entire team is claiming to hear their mom certain suspicions arise. I mean, there’s always at least the one kid that can stay out as late as he wants. In this case I’m not hearing about that one kid.” San Diego Chargers head coach Norv Turner said.

While it is being determined if the Chiefs must continue their season, all play at Kansas City’s Arrowhead Park has been suspended leaving the stadium dormant. “Well, if this thing sticks we’re looking at bringing in NASCAR or professional wrestling in because those people’s parents generally don’t care what they’re up to. I’ve never heard of a street race or fight being stopped because someone had to go home,” stadium administrator Bill Conner commented. “Concerts and swap meets are another way we’re looking to fill the gap. But whatever we decide we really would like for the Chiefs’ moms to let them finish the season because even though they might not finish in first place it’s still fun to see the games.”

fat man on a little bike

“If we can isolate the biomechanical cause of this guy’s fat sound we can revolutionize the treatments for obesity and other fat-related diseases and disorders and stuff.” Dr. Sandra Gomez told a group of reporters during her encounter with Corcoran.

The sound, which reportedly sounds like the opening of candy wrappers, was first detected by a man sitting next to Corcoran in a movie theater a little over a month ago. “I was just sitting there eating my popcorn when this guy was like, ‘Hey fatso, just open up the candy already and quit playing with the wrapper’ well, I was all surprised and stuff because I didn’t even start eating the candy I had brung with me for the movie,” Corcoran told the panel and reporters in between bites of a burrito he had brought as a snack.

“This is really spectacular but we are going to have to act quickly because if we don’t his weight gain may subside,” one doctor commented. When it was noted by one of the panelists that Corcoran had actually eaten the burrito, several bags of potato chips and large candy bar during the course of the 40 minute panel concerns of Corcoran losing weight subsided.

The panel did however agree that Corcoran would need to be studied as soon as possible, “He’s actually pretty terrible all around but I guess we’ll have to spend a lot of time with him to determine the source of this pretty unique thing,” said one reluctant female doctor. “It’s the type of sacrifice that one has to make to further the cause of medicine.”

When asked how he felt about being the recipient of such a dubious occurrence Corcoran simply belched and proclaimed, “This really ain’t such a big deal, you should hear the sound of my farts.”

yup, someone out there has a whole lot of time on their hands for copyright infringement

Mounting frustrations finally boiled over for Sesame Street’s infamous odd couple during the performance of one of their most famous standards. “One moment Ernie’s doing his rubber ducky number, the next moment Burt is in there attacking him while screaming about cleaning up after himself.” one of the series’ puppeteers told reporters.

The irate Burt allegedly interrupted Ernie’s performance following Ernie’s stated indifference to the mess his baths typically make. According to witnesses, when Ernie told Burt just prior to his performance to ‘just mellow out and stop being such a dick’ Burt became enraged.

“Burt was telling me that he was going to go out there a kick his nude ass. But he’s always talking that same old shit. So I didn’t think nothing of it,” series star Elmo told police. “But then when he got out there, I was like oh fuck, this is gonna be some serious shit. My man’s got like 30, 40 years of ass whoopin’ saved up.”

“I guess we could have all seen this coming, they’ve been fighting for almost 40 years and I guess Burt just reached his limit,” series mainstay Big Bird said. “I remember once back in ’88 or ’89 and I had a similar run in with Grover but we worked it out in the end. These things happen when you’re working together day in and day out year after year with some guy’s hand crammed up your ass.”

Despite the downplaying of the event by the series’ cast members and producers, police have become concerned about the constant violent occurrences between the children’s show’s cast members.

“It seems like we’re called to that set almost monthly for some reason of another and those are just the calls we’re getting. There may be a significantly dysfunctional and dangerous environment being fostered over there,” New York detective Seth McNamara told the press. “These puppets seem to have an almost infinite capacity for drugs and violence and over the years these problems seem to have grown exponentially.”

douches ruin it for everyone

Identified by pre-tracked drum beats and looped vocals, electronic music has grown to become the musical standard for dance clubs and all night parties often referred to as raves. Electronic music’s songs, which are often crafted by a single DJ, are created to implore people to lose their inhibitions through dancing.

As evidence to his claim Salvador stated that he and his team had observed raising global temperatures since the late 1980 which coincided with the increasing popularity and prevalence of electronic music. The team further observed through data collected from ancient tree rings and mineral deposits that the occurrence of electronic music on earth is a relatively new phenomenon. “Due to our research we have concluded that prior to the present era there was no electronic music on the planet and that it’s not until very recently that this type music begins to appear in the atmosphere. At the same time, that we notice the appearance of electronic music coincides with a drastic increase in the global mean temperature.” Salvador said.

When asked if the trend was reversible Salvador said that the team was unsure, “While our research did not focus on how to combat the rise in temperatures, we did notice that levels of electronic music do not seem to dissipate very quickly. What we see happening is that once the electronic music is released into the atmosphere it seems to linger there for an unusually long period of time. We believe that this may be why electronic music and no other type of pop music has led to the change in climate”

Also troubling to the scientists was the rate at which electronic music production seems to be increasing. Salvador pointed out that while a vast majority of all electronic music is produced in the western world, that may be changing, “What we found is that even though the largest contributors of atmospheric electronic music are still European nations and the U.S., we are noticing a significant increase in the amount of electronic music being produced in South American and Asian nations as well. This increase, if not managed, could prove to be cataclysmic.”

When asked why he and his team had chosen the Spanish island known for its partying as the venue to release their findings, Salvador responded, “Well, this is the birthplace of House music and we were kind of hoping to score with some German chicks on holiday.” Salvador did not specify why he and his team were only interested in German chicks.